Monday, 20 April 2009

There's one, set for stun

While having a web break the other day, I happened upon this entertaining little story. And it reminded me of a most entertaining joke that did the rounds on email a good few years ago (like, ten or so!!). So I asked Google to find me the aforementioned comical text so that I could share it here with you all. Please note that, unfortunately, some of the funniness is lost if you have never lived in Scotland/don't know any Scots/have never heard a Weegie speaking their native language. But it's still pretty funny.

If Star Wars Was Set In Glasgow

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be

- alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks,

- or leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular

Han Solo

"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:

"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee basturd!"

Princess Leia

"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didnae think they took short-arses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' shite"

Admiral Motti

Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"

Obi Wan

I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor

"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, I'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"


[Lis sniggers away to herself like a teenager.] Hope you enjoyed!

5 comments:

Zhu said...

I feel like I'm reading an Irving Welsh novel! :D

I tagged you in my last post, no pressure but would love to have your opinion!

the fly in the web said...

Loved it!
It took me back to changing trains in Glasgow when en route to points west for the holidays..and, glory of glories..being taken
'doon the watter'.

Lis of the North said...

Salut Zhu! I have been very out of the blogging loop lately. Will try harder!
Hello fly, many thanks for the visit. So you hail from Ecosse?

the fly in the web said...

Long, long ago....yes.

mishu said...
This comment has been removed by the author.