Saturday, 25 April 2009

How long has this been going on?

This week I made a long overdue visit to Next's website. Was intending to pick out a couple of tops and maybe jeans that Mum could bring over for me next month. But, what's this on the page footer? What are these flags of various EU countries? Could it be? Yes it is. Oh joy! Next deliver to France!

It's very sad, I do realise, that something so frivolous should bring about such glee, but clothes retailers in France are shite. Choose from cheap H&M fashion, or unaffordable couture chic. There really doesn't seem to be a middle-of-the-road option. Now I can indulge my retail habit from exile. Yay. Of course, spending money on Next online means less to spend on Pink shirts and Carvela shoes in Edinburgh, but hey.

In other news:
The small car passed its MOT, as I was expecting but much to doubting Hubby's surprise. Apparently there's a little bit of play in one of the shock absorbers. I said to the guy, "well, they've never been changed, so...". He was so surprised he even said to the mechanic, "look at this! 186,600 km and never changed the shocks!" Yes, Mr Man, that's because I slow down over speed bumps.

We went to the DIY store to buy salt for the water softening whatsit. Expensive salt: we paid €113!! Because Hubby said I could have some plants for the garden. [Grin] Bought plum tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, some flowers, some wooden edging things for the bit next to the raspberry canes that I would like to turn into a vegetable patch... And some other stuff.

We've chosen our translation management server system and work, and the techy issues that were looking dodgy have been or are currently being resolved. Now the fun starts, with pre-project workflow analysis, settings definition, installation, deployment, training and change management!

Hubby is away playing shoot'em up PC games all weekend. I'm hoping the rain stays away so I can grub in the mud and take Doggy for W's. If it doesn't, I have plenty ironing to keep me busy.

Monday, 20 April 2009

There's one, set for stun

While having a web break the other day, I happened upon this entertaining little story. And it reminded me of a most entertaining joke that did the rounds on email a good few years ago (like, ten or so!!). So I asked Google to find me the aforementioned comical text so that I could share it here with you all. Please note that, unfortunately, some of the funniness is lost if you have never lived in Scotland/don't know any Scots/have never heard a Weegie speaking their native language. But it's still pretty funny.

If Star Wars Was Set In Glasgow

Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.

Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'

R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be

- alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks,

- or leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular

Han Solo

"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"

"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"

"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"

Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:

"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee basturd!"

Princess Leia

"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didnae think they took short-arses in the polis?"

"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' shite"

Admiral Motti

Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"

Obi Wan

I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"

Luke to the Emperor

"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, I'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"


[Lis sniggers away to herself like a teenager.] Hope you enjoyed!

Monday, 6 April 2009

I've got the sun in my face

And I'm enjoying the pleasant sunny evening before the rain comes tomorrow. Been away from the blog a while. Can't even remember the last time I posted. So what's been going on since whenever that was?

Well, we went to Scotland, something which is always good. On this occasion we were on a mission to procure a car. After seeing the crazy prices available when we were home at Christmas, we decided to take the plunge before the exchange rate had time to turn against us. We didn't end up with the one I've been lusting after, as they'd all gone (some lucky sod got there before us). But they were selling new ones for only 14.5k!! Alas, that was 4.5k over budget and a new car wasn't really the best option for us as the French government would try to fleece us for VAT upon importing it to France (thieving sh!ts). We even ended up with a diesel one even though I'd sworn against them! But it isn't silver. In fact it is red, so that will meet with Super nephew's exacting standards*.

As well as buying a car, we managed a visit to the Ancients, visits with the Weegies, M&M, Willie and Jane. I didn't (yes, did not) buy any books. In fact I didn't even set foot in Waterstone's. But I did buy a handbag (60% off!) and get my hair done. But I didn't spend any money in the John Lewis kitchenware department. Doggy was a bad 'un and wouldn't go for a walk with her Grandad, she wanted to come and look at cars with us!

What I learned on this trip home:
- used cars no longer come with a tax disc. The thievin' dealers cash them in, and you have to buy a new one!
- you need a UK insurance cover note to buy a tax disc
- temporary cover insurance is expensive but handy
- Super niece is a little imp
- Super nephew is obsessed with my Mum's car. Which happens to be red. *"Want to get in the red car"
- Super nephew and Super niece are ace
- 2-way radios help pass the time on the 550 mile journey down the A1-A14-M11-M25-M20-Channel-A16-A25
- 2-way radios also mean you can play at Top Gear
- having to drive all by yourself means you don't blub anywhere near as much after saying goodbye to parents, as you must concentrate
- French roads and motorways are shit. I knew this already, but driving back in the UK reminds me. They badly need cat's eyes
- French drivers are shit too. I never have to shout and get annoyed when we're at home. I have to shout and get annoyed all the time here
- the small car doesn't have a 65 litre endurance tank. So I can be away from the petrol station ages before Hubby
- our house is on Street View! As is my car, and my Mum's car
- my brother's house is also on Street View. My Dad's car is at their house
- my parents are omnipresent

And that's about all I have to say about that.